What Happened to the Weekend!

My wonderful fella sent me these at work today. I give you 23 of Tommy Coopers finest! (In case you don't know he was a stand up comedian, sadly departed.) Enjoy! By the way, that's Tommy Cooper, not my fella.

1 . Two blondes walk into a building...........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Image Credit: Stumble Upon

Comments

  1. OMG! These are too funny! Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving a comment. I love comments! You are a 'no-reply' blogger, so I couldn't send you an answer. I appreciate your suggestions for additional and more interesting photos. But you see, I am disabled. No car, no way to get on or off a bus... well, you get the idea. I do go out on my scooter when the weather is nice, but it is getting very chilly and I probably won't be able to take any more photos until spring. But I have some archived, so I will continue to post those. Hope you come back to visit!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello! I have left you a comment over at yours but wanted to say here too I didn't suggest the trip out to get better pictures just to give you a boost in this cold and bleak month. Your pictures are wonderful, truly!

    So sorry that it came across like that!

    I don't know why I come up as no reply. I will look into that but thanks for letting me know.

    I am so pleased you enjoyed the Tommy Cooper jokes, it made me giggle!

    Thanks for your visit again, bye for now!

    ReplyDelete
  3. These were great! And to "Hetty": Sometimes I make little vignettes out of tiny little areas within my home and take close-ups of them which turn out kind of interesting and artful.
    So, DF, here is one for you...it sounds like it could be from your Tommy Cooper in the delivery, but a man kept telling them to me when I worked at a health food store years ago and I was just cracking up:
    Skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Gimme a pitcher of beer and a mop!"
    ***
    What does the snail say riding on the back of a turtle? "Wheeeee!"
    ***
    How to make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it! ;oD
    OK, that's all for now. I'll keep the "snow photos" in mind for you, but as for me, I'm in no hurry because winter lasts SO LONG here! We often have two seasons: summer and "fallwinterspring" where we can get snow from 1st wk of Oct thru mid to end of April! No shit!
    Loved your posts! Thanks for cheering me up, you little sweetie!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey Bud, right back at you! Thanks for the laughs, the best gift ever!

    I think I would like to experience a winter like that just once!

    ReplyDelete

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